Hidden Rules and Expected and Unexpected Behaviors

From We Thinkers! Volume 2: Social Problem Solvers. www.socialthinking.com

Unit

Hidden Rules

and Expected and

Unexpected Behaviors

Family Letter and At Home Activities

Every social situation has “hidden rules” or a range of social behavioral expectations that are implied

while at the same time being understood by the majority of people. Hidden rules are not usually stated

or explicitly taught, yet most of us recognize when someone is or isn’t following them.

Doing what is expected means understanding or guring out those hidden rules and aligning our

behavior (what we say and do) with the expectations of the situation. For instance, a hidden rule at a

birthday party is that the birthday boy or girl opens the gis. We understand that when we’re around

other people, we adapt our behavior to keep others feeling comfortable and having good thoughts

about sharing space with us, which ultimately keeps us feeling comfortable too.

It’s important to note that doing what is expected isn’t always fun. We all have to do things that we

don’t enjoy, but that are expected of us to be part of a classroom, family, or community. ings like

waiting to take a turn, putting away clothes, clearing the table, or cleaning up toys might not be fun,

but they’re all expected to move forward with the plan for

the day or to get to the fun activities. Putting away clothes

might not feel good, but being done with the task, having a

clean space, getting positive praise from others, and having

more time to play does feel good.

Doing what is unexpected means not guring out and/or

following the hidden rules for the given situation. When

what we say or do is unexpected, people feel uncomfortable

and don’t have good thoughts about sharing space with us.

Ultimately this makes us feel uncomfortable too.

From We Thinkers! Volume 2: Social Problem Solvers. www.socialthinking.com

When we’re involved in social situations we don’t always get our own behavior right. It’s expected that

we’ll make mistakes; that’s being human. At times we all do, or say things that are unexpected, and

make others feel uncomfortable. What’s important is what we do about all those “oops” moments.

When we gure out that we’ve done something unexpected and created an uncomfortable thought

and feeling in someone else, it’s expected we make the eort to try to x or change those thoughts.

As you engage with your child in dierent settings, talk about the hidden rules of the situation. Kids

with social learning challenges don’t have the social radar to gure these out on their own, even hidden

rules that to you might seem obvious. And even some kids without social learning challenges (adults

too!) need help understanding them. Help your child observe expected and unexpected behaviors

they notice in others! e more we can help our children become better observers of social informa-

tion the better equipped they will be to develop social awareness and social self-awareness!

Social Thinking® Concepts Introduced*

In the storybook Hidden Rules and Expected and Unexpected

Behaviors: Pirate Adventure, Evan, Ellie, Jesse and Molly take

an adventure on the high seas. ey board a pirate ship and

learn about the hidden rules of being part of a pirate crew.

ey explore what is expected and unexpected when sailing

on the ship and looking for buried treasure. When the kids

are following the hidden rules, everyone on the ship feels

comfortable and has good thoughts, including the kids!

Ways to practice these concepts at home

⦁

In the teaching unit associated with the story, a green thought

bubble is paired with good/comfortable thoughts, while a

red thought bubble is paired with uncomfortable thoughts.

Images to create these props are included at the end of this

letter. Simply cut them out (one for your child and one for

you) and glue or tape both to a ruler so you end up with one

prop that’s two-sided: one side green and the other side red.

Have fun using them!

⦁

Look at characters in books, comics, TV shows, movies,

etc. and gure out how they are feeling. Talk about how the

expected/unexpected actions of one character impact an-

other character, the thoughts they might have, the way they

From We Thinkers! Volume 2: Social Problem Solvers. www.socialthinking.com

feel, etc. Work with your child to problem solve ways the characters could have “xed” things

they did that made others feel uncomfortable. Talk about how the characters would feel once

the unexpected behaviors had been changed. Use your red and green thought bubbles while you

watch a TV program to visually reinforce that you’re having a comfortable/uncomfortable thought

about what a character is doing.

⦁ Do anything out of the ordinary or unexpected in your family routines. Have fun and be silly!

You’re giving your child lots of practice in noticing expected/unexpected behaviors in others and

building social observation skills. For example: get in the bath with your clothes on, put shoes in

the kitchen sink, or put a plant on a plate and serve it for dinner. Label the actions as “unexpected”

and talk with your child about why they’re unexpected. Remember, something is unexpected

because it is breaking a hidden rule for the situation and/or the people around you.

⦁ Keep context in mind! Hidden rules are context specic, meaning a rule may not be a rule across

all settings, so avoid being too general in talking about hidden rules with your child. For instance,

it’s a hidden rule that kids don’t remove their shoes and socks and walk barefoot at a grocery store.

But that may be perfectly expected behavior at home. How about at a friend’s house, or Grandma’s

house, or at a picnic? What’s the hidden rule for shoes and socks there? Always think about the

situation when you’re talking about hidden rules and expected/unexpected behavior.

⦁ Doing what is expected isn’t always fun. To be part of a group it’s expected that we all think about

others and that oen translates into doing things we might not think are fun. Model this thinking

for your child by talking out loud about the things you have to do that you don’t love but that you

are happy to do and/or get done.

⦁ Encourage your child to talk about what others are doing in their environment and label those

behaviors as expected/unexpected. Provide praise when their observations are accurate. Remem-

ber that part of learning good social skills is having greater self-awareness of what is happening

to people around you! It’s oen easier for kids to notice the behaviors of others rather than turn

inward to look at their own behaviors. Self-reection is a higher-level social thinking skill. So at

rst, focus on others’ behaviors.

⦁ Aer a while, build self-awareness in your child of his/her behaviors. Point out times when your

child is doing things that are expected and making others feel good. Describe how the child’s be-

haviors made you or others feel. Label your emotions and connect them to your specic thoughts.

You can also talk about times children are doing something unexpected and the feelings others

may be having in response. Don’t stop there, though. Help them gure out how they can change

what they are doing by brainstorming some alternate choices. It’s important that children learn

it’s possible to change others’ thoughts and feelings!

A word of caution! When talking to your child about his/her behavior, point out lots more

positive than negative examples to keep your child feeling good about using the vocabulary and

learning these concepts!

From We Thinkers! Volume 2: Social Problem Solvers. www.socialthinking.com

⦁ Use the vocabulary regularly and oen! Catch those everyday moments when people are doing

things that are making others feel good about being together and playing/working with them.

Talk about other family members, friends, neighbors, etc. to help your child understand that we

are all having thoughts about each other all of the time!

⦁ You can also talk about times you have done things that were unexpected and how you changed

(or didn’t!) your behavior and the consequences that followed. We all make mistakes, we all try

to repair them, we all keep thinking about each other!

⦁ One nal word: don’t get caught up in unexpected! Behavior change is typically on the mind of

any parent or educator faced with an individual who is continually demonstrating unexpected

behaviors. It can also be fun to spot unexpected behaviors in others and it’s oen a lot more ob-

vious, so examples can be easier to nd. Just keep your observations and conversations balanced

and give equal attention to noticing situations where people are doing a great job following the

hidden rules and showing expected behavior in a situation. Aer all, isn’t that what we’re all

striving for – to help our children learn to be part of a group in a way (expected) that everyone

feels good about being together?

*e storybook mentioned in this letter is part of Social Problem Solvers, Volume 2 of the We inkers! series,

our Social inking early learner curriculum. Volume 1 (Social Explorers) and Volume 2 each consist of ve

storybooks that introduce social concepts through a themed adventure, and a curriculum book with units,

activities and tips to teach the concepts. A music CD, e Incredible Flexible You, supports the curriculum

with 12 songs, each of which relate directly to the Social inking Vocabulary concepts introduced in the two

volumes. It’s not necessary to purchase any of these materials to work with your child on these concepts at

home. e Family Letters share basic information and vocabulary and suggest some at-home activities. Also,

there are many free articles on the Social inking website that describe the core philosophy of Social inking

(www.socialthinking.com).

e music CD and each set of ve storybooks are sold separately from the curriculum, should you like to extend

your child’s learning at home. Parents purchasing either the storybook set(s) or the music CD for at-home use are

eligible to enter discount code “storybooks10” at checkout to receive 10% o the retail price of those products.

NOTE: Volume 1 of We inkers! was previously released under the name, e Incredible Flexible You. e name

was changed in early 2016, however the content in all materials in Volume 1 remained the same.

From We Thinkers! Volume 2: Social Problem Solvers. www.socialthinking.com